A True Gryffindor Keeper
by Alsas1975
Summary: A silly one-shot of a quidditch match starring a new keeper. Commentary by Lee Jordan and Luna Lovegood.


**Author's Note:**

This is a silly little one-shot inspired by a certain video on YouTube, which will soon become apparent if you've seen it. One of my coworkers and I are fans of said video, and this twisted little piece grew out of the conversations we had regarding it. It's a new style of writing for me for two reasons: one, it's pure dialogue; and two, it's about sports. Hope you enjoy! Disclaimers at the end.

-ATGK-

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hogwarts quidditch stadium for the final game of the season, and the battle to determine who wins the Hogwarts Quidditch Cup this year! My name is Lee Jordan, and with me today is the lovely Luna Lovegood."

"Hello, everyone! And thank you all for joining us on this beautiful spring afternoon!"

"The teams will be taking the field shortly. Madam Hooch is bringing the chest containing the balls out to the centre field. The sun is out, the air is a balmy 68°, and there's not a cloud in sight. In short, a perfect day for quidditch!"

"That also means that the nargles are in hiding as well, as they can't stand bright, sunny days, so they shouldn't be able to interfere with the match today. I have confirmed their absence by using my own pair of patented spectrespecs, the perfect tools to see the unseeable, including such creatures as nargles, wrackspurts, blibbering humdingers, and many more. You can get your own pair free of charge with your one-year subscription to the Quibbler magazine and newsletter. Speak with me after the match for further details."

"Thank you, Luna. Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, for the latest in exotic magizoology and government shenanigans that the _Daily Prophet_ is afraid to print, subscribe to the Quibbler! And Madam Hooch has just blown her whistle, signalling the teams that it's time to come out to the field."

"And first to make their appearance is team Slytherin! The chasers today are Graham Montague, Adrian Pucey, and Cassius Warrington, followed by the beaters, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle. Those two have excelled in this position this season and are almost as effective a duo as the legendary Weasley twins. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was surprised at their performance this season, Lee."

"I quite agree, Luna, though in retrospect none of us should have been surprised that the one thing the Gruesome Twosome is good at is whacking things with a club."

"Jordan!"

"Sorry, Professor McGonagall. Anyway, the Snakes' keeper Miles Bletchley is next, and bringing up the rear, as usual, is the Slytherin seeker, the Amazing Bouncing Ferret…"

"Jordan!"

"Sorry, Professor… I meant to say, of course, Draco Malfoy!"

"Malfoy certainly has his work cut out for him today, Lee. I don't think he has ever once caught the snitch against his opponent today. On top of everything else, the Slytherins are at a decided disadvantage due to the severe wrackspurt infestations I'm seeing around each player. Granted, I can't recall a time when most Slytherins I've seen _didn't_ have such infestations, but it seems particularly bad today, especially with Seeker Malfoy."

"And from the other end of the pitch come our very own Gryffindor Lions! First out are our unbeatable chasers, the Flying Foxes of Gryffindor: Alicia Spinnet, Katie Bell, and leading them is the delectable Angelina Johnson!"

"Jordan!"

"Sorry, Professor! The beaters for the Lions today are the infamous Masters of Mayhem, the Terrible Twins, Hell's Carrots, Fred and George Weasley!"

"Or is that Gred and Forge today?"

"It could be, Luna, though I'm not certain even they know for sure. Regardless, I'm sure they'll be putting on an entertaining show for us today!"

"I quite agree, and I know everyone is looking forward to it as much as we are. Now, the Gryffindor line-up has a slight change in the roster today, Lee. The regular keeper, Ron Weasley, is currently laid up in the infirmary, reportedly suffering from severe food poisoning."

"Imagine that. I swear he needs to start paying attention to what he's eating…"

"That would require him to actually slow his eating first, so I don't really see that happening. Fortunately, Gryffindor's reserve keeper, Scott Sterling, seems eager to prove himself today, and though we have not yet seen him compete the Lions are obviously excited about having him on the team. Gryffindor's star seeker is next, the totally yummy Harry Potter…"

"Lovegood!"

"Sorry, Professor, but it's true! Seeker Potter just gave Keeper Sterling a pat on the back and has flown to the Gryffindor seats where it looks like he is getting a last-minute inoculation against the wrackspurts of the Snakes, administered by his girlfriend, the brilliant Hermione Granger…"

"Potter! Stop kissing your girlfriend and play quidditch!"

"And Potter is returning to the line, after blowing Professor McGonagall a kiss of her own."

"I'd certainly not object to a Potter wrackspurt inoculation myself, Lee, so long as Miss Granger was okay with it…"

"Lovegood!"

"Yes, Professor. The players are now all in position, and Madam Hooch is opening the chest to release the bludgers and the snitch!"

"And Madam Hooch tosses the quaffle, starting the game! Bell is the first to the quaffle, dodging Pucey's lunge while Spinnet and Johnson block Montague from approaching. Warrington is looking around in confusion – not an uncommon behaviour, as he has taken seven bludgers to the head this season alone."

"And yet he is still more qualified to play chaser than any other Slytherin quidditch hopeful. Sad, really…"

"Too true, Luna, too true. The Wicked Weasleys have taken control of both bludgers as Crabbe and Goyle struggle to keep up."

"Nothing new there…"

"Lovegood!"

"Sorry, Professor. Potter is circling the pitch and he dives straight through the opposing chasers! Has he seen the snitch already? Malfoy is right on his heels, though, narrowly missing Pucey as Potter spins in a downward spiral! Bell passes to Spinnet as the Snakes are distracted and Spinnet scores through the centre goal!"

"Potter pulls out of his tailspin scant inches from the ground and…"

"Oooh! Malfoy plows right into the pitch, the first casualty of the game!"

"That had to hurt! Malfoy climbs back onto his broom, yelling something and making angry gestures, presumably at Potter. That was quite a tumble he took, ladies and gentlemen."

"And surprisingly, not a hair is out of place. Although with as much hair gel as he is purported to use, maybe that's not such a surprise after all…"

"It could even have protected his head during the crash, for all we know. Not that he's actually in danger of hurting anything important there…"

"Jordan!"

"Right, Professor. So the score is 10-nil, Gryffindor!"

"Slytherin is now in possession of the quaffle as Warrington races down the pitch. He manages to dodge the bludger this time but Johnson knocks the quaffle out of his hands. The quaffle is recovered by Pucey, who throws it at the Gryffindor goals – oh my god!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, Gryffindor's newest keeper, Scott Sterling, has blocked the quaffle with his face! As Johnson calls a time-out, let's take a moment to watch the replay on my omnioculars."

"The look of determination on Sterling's face is truly inspiring. You can tell he's nervous…"

"…Not surprising for being a first-time player, especially with Slytherin's less-than-stellar reputation regarding fair play, sportsmanship, and basic human decency…"

"Jordan!"

"Sorry, Professor."

"Despite his nerves, Lee, you can see that look in his eyes that says, _You shall not pass!_ "

"And despite the quaffle slipping right through his upraised hands, he does not allow the ball to pass! I'm sure that's going to be an impressive bruise on Sterling's face, but definitely not on his pride!"

"Lee, it seems that Johnson has given Sterling the okay to continue. He still seems a tad shaky, but his thumbs up is steady. Madam Hooch blows her whistle, allowing play to resume."

"The Weasley twins are smacking the bludgers in Pucey's direction, perhaps to repay him for Sterling's quaffle to the face. Crabbe and Goyle are both trying to gain control of at least one bludger, but the twins are absolutely savage in their gameplay today."

"Meanwhile, Montague charges Johnson, who has the quaffle, while Warrington tries to cover both Spinnet and Bell. Johnson pulls a corkscrew loop around Montague and breaks clear, the other Gryffindor chasers close behind."

"Goyle manages to intercept one of the bludgers and whacks it so hard that he spins around in a full 360 the other way! Unfortunately he hit the bludger at Warrington, his own teammate."

"Warrington dives out of the way, narrowly missing Montague, leaving Spinnet and Bell in the clear! Johnson charges the left goal as Bletchley moves to intercept. She rears back and throws… No, it's a feint! She lets the quaffle just roll off her fingers, where it's grabbed by Bell who tosses it through the far right goal to bring the score to 20-nil, Gryffindor!"

"What an amazing play by Gryffindor's chasers, Luna. I totally wouldn't mind if they chased _me_ like that…"

"Jordan! Enough already!"

"Right, sorry, Professor. The Slytherins seem desperate to score, so once again in possession of the quaffle they charge as one to the Gryffindor goals. The Lions' chasers try to break the formation, but the Slytherins will not be deterred! Montague hurls the quaffle and… No! The intrepid Scott Sterling once more blocks the shot with his face, deflecting the quaffle wide of the goals!"

"My god, what a performance! Sterling's hand-eye coordination may not be the best in the world, especially after getting smacked in the face twice by the quaffle, but he is determined to not let Slytherin score!"

"Madam Hooch has called a time-out this time. Johnson is again flying to her keeper to make sure he's okay, this time accompanied by Madam Hooch. From here he looks rather woozy, and even without the omnioculars we can see that he's got a bloody nose."

"He's giving Johnson and Madam Hooch a thumbs-up again as Madam Hooch waves her lit wand in front of his eyes. He apparently is coherent enough to continue, as Johnson is now taping his left hand to his broom while Madam Hooch is giving him a pepper-up potion."

"That should keep him from falling off his broom, though he's definitely flying slower as play resumes."

"The Gryffindor chasers once more have possession of the quaffle as the Terrible Twins go after Montague with the bludgers this time. Montague darts out of the way, narrowly missing both bludgers but almost colliding with Crabbe. Even from here we can see the look of terror on Crabbe's face as the bludgers bear down on him! They're too close for him to get in a good swing, but he dodges one while he gets his bat up in just enough time to block the other, deflecting it right into the path of his teammate Goyle! Goyle flails his bat wildly enough to briefly scare the wrackspurts swarming around him, and actually manages to hit the bludger away to… Oh no!"

"Scott Sterling just took a bludger to his face! It knocked him backwards through the centre hoop and behind the stadium wall! There is no way he is staying out of the infirmary now, Luna."

"That is at least a broken nose and a concussion, Lee. I don't think Warrington has ever taken a hit like that, and possibly not even Harry Potter."

"I know, right? Rumour has it that Madam Pomfrey has a brass plaque designating Potter's bed in the infirmary, he's in there so much. It may be that Scott Sterling breaks Potter's record!"

"And Madam Pomfrey is giving you a truly filthy look right now, Lee. As this time out is called, things look rather grim for the Gryffindor Lions. I hope they have another reserve keeper, otherwise they may have to forfeit."

"This is terribly bad luck for the Lions, Luna. With the starting keeper out with food poisoning and the reserve keeper out from a bludger, there does not seem to be any hope left."

"Wait a minute, Lee, the Gryffindor stands are starting to cheer. Can it be…?"

"It looks like the Lions have found another keeper – no, wait! I don't believe it! It's _SCOTT STERLING!_ "

"Oh my god, you're right! This is the most incredible thing I've ever seen besides the crumple-horned snorkack! Despite getting hit in the face twice with a quaffle and once with a bludger in a span of five minutes, Scott Sterling is once more taking the field! He gets knocked down and gets right back up again! Ladies and gentlemen, here is a true Gryffindor! Put your hands together and welcome back to the field the man…"

"…the myth…"

"…the legend…"

" _SCOTT STERLING!_ "

"The entire Gryffindor team is surrounding him, Lee, shaking his hand and slapping his back. He looks quite dazed and confused, but still indicates that he is ready to play!"

"Madam Pomfrey has joined Madam Hooch on the field and just shakes her head as the whistle is blown, resuming play."

"Sterling's presence seems to have taken the Gryffindor energy levels to entirely new realms! The chasers are swarming the Slytherin goals like a flock of nargles, passing the quaffle between them so fast that none of the Slytherins seem to know who has the ball. Bletchley is looking all over the place as the chasers near the goals, to no avail! Spinnet passes to Bell who hands off to Johnson who hurls it through the centre hoop as Bletchley sits there wondering what the hell just happened!"

"Lovegood!"

"Yes, Professor?"

"Oh, never mind."

"Potter goes into another dive, Malfoy close behind. Warrington now has possession of the quaffle but finds himself facing all three of the Gryffindor chasers bearing down on him. He tries for a long pass – I'm guessing to Pucey, as that's the only Slytherin chaser remotely in the direction he threw, but his aim was so far off that I can't really tell. Luna?"

"Me neither, Lee. No one is in that direction – except for Crabbe, who apparently mistakes the quaffle for a bludger. He smacks the quaffle with his bat, sending it shooting across the pitch – I don't believe it! The quaffle hits the centre Gryffindor goal hoop and ricochets off, hitting Scott Sterling in the back of the head!"

"It hit with enough force to knock Sterling forward at the waist, making him smack face-first into his broom handle with enough force to crack the shaft! He is falling out of the sky and just avoids hitting Harry Potter, who brakes hard at the last second! Malfoy is not so lucky and zooms past Potter only to have Sterling crash into him, knocking the Slytherin seeker off his broom! They are both falling now and Potter dives after them, ostensibly to prevent them from crashing into the pitch!"

"Fortunately, Madams Hooch and Pomfrey are close enough to cast an _arresto momentum_ on them both. Another time out is called as both teams land beside the fallen players, and Professors McGonagall and Snape are not far behind. Madam Pomfrey shoos everyone away so she can examine them. Malfoy seems to be okay, if his shouting and angry gestures are anything to judge by, although I would imagine that particular shade of red is not a healthy colour for his face."

"Scott Sterling is barely conscious, but he is still moving, which is more than enough for our amazing healer Madam Pomfrey to work with… wait, what's that? No flippin way!"

"What an amazing game today, Lee! Scott Sterling is holding up the snitch that _he_ apparently caught as he was falling! I've never seen anything like this before!"

"And now there is a heated argument between the teams, and even the professors are getting in on it! Professor Snape is yelling something, probably to do with Harry Potter…"

"My god! Professor McGonagall just slapped Professor Snape! He is storming off the field, his robes doing that cool billowing effect, as the Gryffindor team erupts into cheers! And now Madam Hooch is holding up Johnson's arm, signifying that the catch is good and Gryffindor wins, 180-nil! The Lions are celebrating as they dance around their fallen keeper, high-fiving him as Madam Pomfrey levitates him to take him up to the infirmary! Madam Hooch is presenting the Quidditch Cup to the team, who are insisting that Sterling carry it with him as they leave the field. My goodness, what an exciting game today, Lee!"

"That it was, Luna! Gryffindor wins the game and the Cup with an untested keeper! What a trial by fire that was! Ron Weasley will certainly have to work hard to keep his position next year, that's for sure!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming out today, and I hope you enjoyed the game as much as we did! This is Luna Lovegood and Lee Jordan, signing off. And don't forget to ask for your subscriptions to the Quibbler, which will be having an exclusive interview next issue with Gryffindor's newest keeper, Scott Sterling!"

-ATGK-

 **AN 2:** Found a grammatical error and a mathematical error, both of which are now corrected.

 **Disclaimer:** Harry Potter and all related characters are owned by J.K. Rowling and whoever she has licensed. Scott Sterling is owned by Studio C. I'm just borrowing them for a few minutes!


End file.
